Depression for me was …| By Prapti Chowdhury

There are days I don’t know myself. I don’t know what kind of living hell I have to wake up to every day. I don’t know exactly how I feel. But, what I do know is that I will find happier days. Some days there will be peace. It will happen, as long as you allow it to.
When I was 12, I found it harder and harder to be happy with myself. I started criticizing my body and my physical appearance. I would look in the mirror and just not appreciate what was looking back at me. I also fell into people manipulating me into believing I did not matter because I was obese and hairy with bushy Aries eyebrows. For a while, I overate. I lost my sense of direction and self-love and there was nothing that held me back more in life than that. I couldn’t dance or sing and so I had no ‘girly’ qualities to be loved. I ignored the fact that I could paint..
As I grew older in my teens, what I thought was a phase was progressing. I found it hard to find joy in anything. I was lost and confused. I couldn’t concentrate on studies because my mind was always wandering. Though I managed some decent scores, I remember, I always wanted to run away from home. So I did (not literally), but I did and fell into a pit. I started to surround myself with toxic people. I don’t know what attracted me to them. I fell into a hole that I was stuck in and I kept sinking further and further. Followed were the days of starving and filling my lungs with smoke and nights with alcohol. I then started to lose sleep. I would stay up all night, trying to stop my mind from haunting me with horrible things. And I tried to find a love like buying fast fashion clothes from all the wrong places. Initially, I thought acts of self-harm would attract love. Eventually, all the guilt and disgust I felt led to self-harm. This was the hardest thing I have ever had to come back from. I felt like I was drowning. I can’t count how many nights, thoughts of freeing myself from this world were trying to creep their way into my brain…
But I have freed myself from alcohol, cigarettes and self-harm, but there are still days when I would wake up feeling “don’t know how I will pass through the day”. I found help in the form of my cousin; though he is going through mental health disorders, he became my support system and took me for counselling, heard my cry and hear my rants, took me for a good lunch and made me watch “Harry Potter” and he has been a blessing in disguise. Always there to hear me out, he helped me to battle out the cyclone inside me. Though I have my bad days I have made peace with it.

About her: Prapti is a freelance photographer and writer, who quit her job as a Business Consultant to answer her soul’s calling. She has suffered depression and still battling mental anxiety but she believes she is incurably optimistic and has made peace with her mental health. She believes in slow living and travel.

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