it’s so good to share my personal experience with you all. And thanks to Shalini for giving me such a wonderful opportunity. First, let me tell you about my self. I’m an Ayurveda physician from Kerala. A typical mallu girl 😎, living with my parents and elder sister, who is an absolute partner in every crime I commit; My Crimepartner!! Before becoming a doctor I was not at all ambitious about becoming a doctor. Of coz, I was curious about knowledge, but not too much a hard worker in studies. But God has his own plans and my fate changed everything. During my high school studies, I was severely affected by bronchial asthma and I couldn’t even go to my classes for months. My worried parents did take me to so many allopathic doctors but none of them seems to be effective in my condition. Day by Day my condition got worsened and I couldn’t control my cough.
As you all know about the climate in Kerala ,I don’t have to explain more..but you ll be surprised why I am telling about climate all of a sudden.. The reason behind this is ,even if we have a very sunny weather here I have to remain in rooms with heaters.. otherwise I could easily get sick.. Doctors suggested to install heaters in my rooms.. Can u imagine such situation?!! I was really going through a tough and pathetic situation.. After 1 year of treatments, Allopathic Doctors told us that , they have no more medications for me, because have already given the steroids and high dose of medicines.. and they proposed a combined treatment along with Ayurveda , and hopefully we agreed to that.. Gradually there showed visible changes in me, and within one year I got completely cured from my condition.. actually I really don’t know how to express my relief and happiness in words, hope you all can understand me. At the age of 18 I got completely cured and recoverd , all these incidents increased my curiosity in ayurveda and ended in studying ayurveda 😊 thus I become an Ayurveda Doctor so that I can cure as many as patients coming before me. I could feel my patient’s pain while they were sitting before me, at that moment I would remember my difficult times and sufferings. So I became the shoulder for others who wants to lean on me and I support them with my whole strength
According to me life is like a puzzle, like kind of a maze.. In my concept, God has certain plans about each of these mazes so that, by facing all these challenges we can improve ourselves and not only that his plans varies from person to person..it’s just like climbing steps, when we overcome one, other will appear. But remember we are one step ahead!!..My first task was that to overcome my health issues and by god’s grace I successfully overcame it.
But still the fear towards life existed in me. The Childish and immature me always demanded love, care, attention and more over that i was always depending on others for making decisions about me and my problems. The fear of loosing someone’s love made me to please others without loving myself enough. I never took any decisions on my own will ,I was that much afraid.. the fear carved me little by little..
At the age of 23 I got engaged to a man who was working as an engineer, and he also hails from Kerala. After the 6months of long duration I got married to him.. and after two weeks I filed petition for divorce because he was a gay and still he is.. surprised??!!! Yes.. i did it..here comes the true story..
As I told you before, the 6 months of duration couldn’t help me to know him completely. We were totally strangers to each other. It’s my fault that I couldn’t know about my fiance..I agree it.. but I have my own reasons also.. According to me,a girl or future bride to be , must be in a position to accept and accommodate the responsibilities in her life, at least she must know the reality about what was going to happen in her life. At that time I was not at all mentally prepared for a marriage. But my parents demanded to get married at that age, because they feared that what the society would say otherwise .. the fearful and insecure mind inside ,made me to say ,yes I’m ready even though I wanna say the opposite..
After the engagement, Days passed quickly but still he remained a mystery. He was giving as much as space for me ,and I did the same too..I believe, for a healthy relationship one partner must give enough space for other. But here, I was fooled by his space giving technique, I must say!! I had my suspicions about him and really wished to cancel my marriage, but I didn’t have the courage to express it..even though I had the whole right to take decisions in my life, I wrongly believed it’s out of my hands. I couldn’t find the elements of love with him, but still I tried to accept him as my husband because of my foolish misbelieves. I feared everything around me!!! If I say no to this marriage what ll happen next?! What will my parents say? Will they agree with me? Will I bring disrespect to my family? Will I broke their trust in me? And the most importantly, what will the society say about me? Even that is none of their business to deal with my life ,I feared the society more..The fear of getting judged instead of understanding made me so reserved and secretive
Finally the day arrived.. My marriage day!! I hid all my doubts and fears within me and faked my happiness. After reaching his home my suspicions about him grew further stronge..He never behaved like a man. All I could find was a feminine touch in his every actions. As a wife ,the pain inside me was an unbearable one.. when I started to think like a doctor apart from a wife’s thoughts , I gradually understood that he has feminine characteristics and chances of being a gay is likely to be 100%!!! it broke my heart completely.
I realised one thing, one reality; I made my life miserable!!..the guilt was carving my heart. Even though no one is pushing into this marriage , my fears only made me to stay or choose this marriage.. I always had the other options but only because of my fears I wrongly chose this..I realised, my fears had the dominion over me, and only because of this I ended up as a miserable one.
After the series of questioning and all i made him to confess that he is a gay and he has impotency too.. I was not surprised at all, because as a doctor I was already came to this conclusions. For me, being a gay or homosexual is not at all a wrong thing, but ruining a innocent girl’s dreams and life is a crime!!
I felt betrayed.. my heart was pulling apart..the raging fire inside made me to took my decision.. finally without asking other’s permission I decided to leave him.. My first my own decision in my life!!
As you all know, all kind of emotional dramas took place in my case too, but none of them affected me, because I had the realisation that there is nothing can be done.
Life was teaching me, in that short period of time!! See everyone has options in life, but due lack of courage they may think like they are trapped into only one option.. What we choose is what we become.. when I look back ,what I can see is that I never had the courage to say no.. I simply obliged to everything, tried to please everyone.. but eventually I gained nothing. Only I be the victim of my own life.. If I said no before then I didn’t have to go through all these, didn’t have to end up like this, thoughts like this came over and over, and It was carving my heart.. I struggled alot in between the reality and the past.i self pitied over me. I became a total mess!!
But you know everything has a peek point or a threshold limit.. my self pitying reached at it’s on maximum limit and i totally fallen apart. I started to think again and again, thus I slowly realised that my guilt it’s killing me inside, like a poison. I burned completely to become the phoenix
My dear friends, you know everyone is born not only to do the right thing , but also to do wrong, right na?! we must do something wrong otherwise how can we learn from life? We must accept the reality. Escaping or faking the reality will not provide any cure, it might seems to be a temporary solution but it won’t last long..In my case we both had the options , he choses not to disclose his identity, may be that’s because of his fear towards the society or not. We don’t know further. Like other innocent women in here I also had the option to remain silent and fake the truth, but I decided not to be like that any more. Took the courage to reveal the truth. I always worried that why only me becoming the victim? Why it is happening to me?? But slowly I understood that Life has its own ways to teach us! God has his own plans! He planned all these challenges in my life so that I can be a better and stronger woman!! I found my inner peace when I accepted the reality!! I forgave him, and I forgave myself!!
Friends, Our Past is always helpful for our improvement or growth, don’t carry our past as burden of life, convert the energy into positivity, and use it only for your own improvements. I know, everyone has a question ; why it is happening to me?? The big “why?”. The answer is simple, there is no “why” in life. Once you accept everything is a happening of life then you will be free. Enjoy your own company, your first priority must be you , that is not a selfish act, that is called self love! Spread your love you will feel blessed, accept the truth, accommodate everyone, belive everyone is unique!! Then You are blessed.
Poet Jmstorm has explained it beautifully
“once I thought I need someone, then life showed me that I didn’t. And when I get used to company of myself, life showed me what I deserve. Love that just happens, like a lightening from a clear blue sky. Life is like that. Ever moving and ever changing. All the answers are there, once you stop fighting life and begin to follow it”!!
So Girls let’s change our life!! Enjoy yourselves!! Spread the magic of love!! The future is waiting!!