2019 – What changed in my life

A lot of you know about my story a lot of you don’t if you go and read the category gossip issue the old blog will lead you towards a few stories about my life. Nothing much has been taken down from the social world I live in. I never wanted to hide stories about my life from my readers. It’s been your and a half into the blogging life that I chose for myself and I am glad that I did it because there are many feelings inside me that I don’t really express it out in front of a lot of people or in fact in front of anybody it was always easier for me to Pen down my feelings and the blog actually allow me to talk about all those feelings which were hidden all this while inside me. another year has passed by and like every other your we make a lot of resolutions we dream of a lot of things that we are supposed to do today I just want to look back and talk about the changes that took place in my life. When I make a statement on what changed in my life I mean there is nothing particular that has changed but my entire life did.

I was in love I am still in love. An amazing man who came into my life two and a half years ago nothing really matters to me other than the fact that I was madly in love with him and I am still in love with him. you must be wondering then what was the problem? what happened to my love life? or where do we stand today?
Where the heart is the truth is that he is married with two kids please go ahead and judge me but I would like you to listen to my full story. while I am writing this am still trembling about the fact that I miss him a lot and I haven’t seen him for more than 4 months now and I don’t think that I will be seeing him ever again. it’s definitely hard. I surprising met him just not even a week ago for a common friends marriage and I tried too hard to not break down but I did.
We shared a look and smiled even when we tried too hard to not look at each other or even cross the same path but that look and smile expressed a lot of hidden emotions. I couldn’t control myself and I completely broke down.
I realised no matter where I go what I do I love him I love him a lot and moving on would never solve this feeling that I have for him. I tried to gather myself back while he left the venue mentioning that he has a meeting.

In the last 4 months
I tried my level best to forget everything to erase his memories from my life somehow but I haven’t been able to do so. call me a failure I am one. Today is 4th October when I am writing this but I am sure that I will be publishing this blog in December so in the present moment when you are reading this you should know that we have had no contact since September. Being in love with a man who is already married with two kids who is also emotionally damaged made our relationship and life even more challenging. I never intended to fall in love with him or break his marriage. It was already on the edge when I walked into his life unknowingly and fell in love without intended to do so. the society judged me every single day even today and maybe it will stay with me forever.

I still have no answer to these questions for anyone to understand – why did I get involved with a married man in the first place? how all of this happened? why did it happen? who was at fault? and much more…
I really don’t know who was at fault also that maybe we will never know who was at fault because according to me there is no right and wrong when you fall in love with someone. It sometimes it doesn’t have the happily ever after ending which we should accept which is the hardest part. I’m not healed but I’m trying to, maybe some time someday I will.
You might agree with me and you might not but sometimes you love someone so deep that you can’t let go of them. They stick by you in your thoughts and feelings even when they are not physically. It was a very difficult situation with I had put myself into and I knew it I knew all of it by heart wanted to walk down that trembling road hand in hand with him. it is not easy when someone calls you a mistress for being in love with someone. the fact that the society fail to understand that even if “Two people who are married and in love then there is no space for some other person to intervene in their life, only when the space is created between two married people only then, that space is being filled up by someone who wants to be there.”

It wasn’t a smooth ride with us being in love but it has been the most beautiful memory. we both had our ups and downs and I knew that I was emotionally extremely weak to get myself away from this relationship. Being a hardcore Traveller once again I packed up my bags and move to another City. Today my love for him is All That Matters to me and maybe I suffocated him by loving him too much in this relationship which looked like an obsession. My fear of not letting go of him and hold him was too much to ask for…

I don’t know exactly what love is but when they leave emptiness is the only thing that they leave behind, I walked down the road I never thought that I will.

Currently, I am still numb even today when I am writing the end of this story. I still miss our endless conversations even when I am blocked I still update him regarding what I am doing what is happening in my life it.is just that he can’t see it anymore or even reply back… I still zoom into his pictures and kiss him often, I still often smell his t-shirt and try to put myself to sleep. I still love him the same way I did two and a half years back. We never know what the future holds for us so live in the moment make the most out of it.

I would end this by saying – you never fall out of love with someone. I will always remember the time I have spent with him for the rest of my life because I lost something very precious as now I have locked it up inside me even when it pains every single day and I still smile and live with that one day at a time.

Shalini only your’s Nah ❤️



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