I have been suffering from depression since I was 5 years old and emotionally I have always been imbalanced while growing up because I never had a family to fall back on other than my parents. They were busy making the ends meet so they had to work hard each day. They belonged from different religion and decided to get married and start a family together. It was 1993 marrying someone from a different religion wasn’t accepted as openly as it is now. So yes I had to bare the consequences of the same. In modern days when the society has started talking about depression, I’m still living in constant fear of my past.
Hence I decided to talk about it and write it out to reach out to as many people as possible.
It wasn’t really easy ever I guess my parents weren’t even aware that I was depressed until I started peeing in my pants and would be scared to talk or meet anyone new.
Anyway, when they realized something was majorly wrong we went to the required doctor. I was growing up taking treatment but I was never really healed.
I was tagging on with life and doing everything like a normal kid in school. I didn’t have too many friends but I was close to everyone. I never shared my life with anyone back then. Never had a so-called best friend either.
I was 16 I met someone he wanted me to be his girlfriend well it was an imaginary situation for me I was happy but soon after it hit both of us it wasn’t working out and I was dealing with losing a friend. That year I lost my grandfather. I wasn’t very well with deaths even when I know it is a part of life.
So in 2013 while I was still struggling with my first ever so-called officially relationship. I met this other guy who came into my life uninvited one fine day. He was very charming and nice. He undoubtedly swiped me off my feet. He was extremely filmy type romantic and I fell for it. I believed that I was head over heels in love with him which wasn’t true at all. I just turned 18 and these hormones can fuck up things so bad or maybe I liked the idea of who he was and how he was with me. I felt comfortable while things were not that okay in my life. It was a mistake, he was a mistake. Three months down the line due to major misunderstanding and a friend misleading me into things we broke up. In a year, this was the third loss. I was devastated, I didn’t have any answers to anything. Everything was impulsive, I felt I lost everything. My world went upside down and I couldn’t deal with it. I slipped back into depression and started self-harming myself. I didn’t want to live anymore and this feeling wasn’t new to me but this time I felt that I was courageous enough to say it out loud. I kept screaming, crying and it seems to fall on deaf ears which bothered me more and I started harming myself much more.
He never understood any of it neither anyone else did.
It took me time, a hell lot of time to come to terms with myself and the situation.
It’s past and gone well I thought the same but here it is –
It’s 2019 and this past recently came up and to that, he said: “This time around I won’t miss a chance to tell the world the amount of crap you did.”
Made me realize he never understood that he needed to be sensitive towards understanding the situation. Maybe sensitization is just a word till now even educated people like him to fail to implement it in life.
Guess I won’t blame anyone other than me to what happened but this is the truth. I didn’t even know who I was neither anything that I explained made any sense.
I did try to commit suicide in 2013 but I failed I didn’t want to live I carried along I started to travel and give myself the right amount of time to heal. Years kept passing by I kept taking a hit one after another by now it’s already been five years this is now when I almost felt I was healed and walking towards a better life in 2017 I met someone who was 10 years elder to me matured married male. I was 21 when I first met him, he seemed to be someone who knew how depression looked it, he understood the situations and stories in my life and I couldn’t be more grateful than finding someone aware of these. He was going over a rough patch and I thought because I was healed and I was studying regarding the same I can help him out. Well, I put myself in a bigger pit. Empathy turned out to be love while there was no scope of future. The struggle was bad I wanted to break free and move out as soon as I realised it.
I moved out, just couldn’t break free. I was in love. Things went back to square one. I slipped back into depression. I would fight with myself each day to get out of it but I just couldn’t. At one moment I had the most clarity of thoughts while in the other moment I was emotionally chained up by my own feelings.
We would fight each day. Sometimes I would fight to break free, sometimes I would fight to tag along. Sometimes I would just fight and I wouldn’t know why.
I was frustrated, I was drained. I kept harming myself all over again. I would cry day in out and looking for reasons not to live. Even breathing was unbearable. I would tell myself “It’s not worth living because truly nobody understands until you are a dead body.” or I would even ask myself “Is anyone even there to hear me out?” Constant conflict within me. There were moments I would hurt myself so bad that in unbearable pain I would become unconscious and sleep off. Mentally, physically, emotionally I have been dead tired. I have seen it all and been through it all by myself.
All I ever wanted was a hug and a voice whispering – “I am here. We will fight it together.” Truth is I am tired of fighting alone all by myself. I am exhausted. The child within me never got the required support and understanding. The phrase was “when you grow up its all going to be fine and you will look back and laugh at it.”
I did grow up and the anxiety, insecurities had grown within me and neither do I look back and laugh because what happened in past there wasn’t anything to laugh about.
It’s a myth when people say “I’m listening. I’m here for you” other than just one or two. Nobody has the time to listen. They will have all the time in the world to judge you, call you names and gossip about your shot comings but they won’t have the time to talk about real issues. To give a random hug or to sit and listen.
We all need to be sensitive toward one another. If you can’t help someone to win the battle don’t provoke or threaten someone to do the same.
If you have fought it well then great someone like me is trying to fight it out.
The suicide rates have increased over the years as people had stopped being sensitive, understanding. They think depression is like flu, pop some medicine go to the doc and well you should be fine.
It takes years to heal and come back to terms with yourself. Today I wanted to let it out to the world that I have been a patient I have been depressed and have been thru shit and I am telling it out to the world so that nobody else can bring it up and make me feel scared and miserable.
All I ever wanted was a home, a family where acceptance of being different was acceptable. Friends who could be sensitive towards my upbringing and adjust with our financial condition. Cousins who could understand that my childhood wasn’t any similar to theirs. Love which could heal me and give me hope towards a better tomorrow. I had none of the above neither did I ever experienced it while growing up.
Was it too much to ask for?
As they say, the show must go on. I am living my life still one day at a time. I travel often I found my love for travelling, in the midst of all this chaos more like I have found my way to escape the pain. I’m still struggling and lying to myself that it’s all okay.
While the truth is “I am not okay, but I’m trying to be okay.” with all that has happened in my past, I’m on the road towards being better and making life better.
It tough, it’s difficult, it’s painful and exhausting but I’m trying harder each day. I still wake up not wanting to see the sunlight but I push myself to do so.
I know it’s hard, if you can relate to my situation then you would know and understand it is very hard but because I am trying to get better I don’t want my past to scare me or haunt me. I have my past laid out for you to judge and comment on it. But I know I’m fighting and that makes me a fighter. Don’t let anyone worry or scare you with your past.
Be brave to say yes it was YOU now you are getting a better version of yourself.