I’m 24 and I didn’t even know that I suffer from a personality disorder. Of course, I knew I was emotionally imbalanced but I never really understood that there is more to it until it costed suicide attempt twice and self-harming multiple times. My parents belong from a middle-class family for mental health is a social stigma. They were trying hard but maybe not hard enough because they couldn’t understand that mental health has a bigger impact on life than cancer. As the awareness is so little and treatment so very expensive. Per therapy cost about 1200 for 50mins and it is supposed to be continued for a year every week twice. So help me understand this a normal educated person who belongs from a middle class can’t afford these treatments?
It was bad I did hit the rock bottom and it felt like I was dead already from within and just nobody understood me or my feelings. My feelings felt chained and I felt trapped, I wanted to hide from everyone. I believed I was just a normal child, teenager, adult but I believed all of that because I wanted to be one, I wasn’t one. I was struggling to be accepted as I am.
Dramebazz and attention seeker were few of the names I got called off guess it wasn’t their fault either.
To pen this down I still shiver so the memories are so fresh and vivid. I was struggling to even breathe, I went to the therapist and I felt like I won’t die while I also knew the way I fell inside me I was already dead. I felt a bit okay after talking to the therapist and everything escalated after that, I behaved like a maniac I just wanted to be left alone every word that my friends said seemed alien to me. That night was one of the most difficult nights of my life. One of them kept slapping me as if I was drunk and I would come into my senses. I had no energy, I didn’t understand what was happening around me I just wanted one of them to leave me alone as it was agitating me. They just didn’t understand any of it well I guess nobody will it isn’t anything common or even discussed or spoken about publically.
That night was my second sucidie attempt and this time I was sure I won’t see the next day light.
I was taken to three doctors and then I was admitted for 6hours under observation. After several needles being poked at every inch of my body, my parents were informed that they needed me to see a physiatrist and we did. After visiting him the third time he informed us that I suffer from this specific type of personality disorder and It needs special kind of therapy that needs to be continued for years (5 – 7 regularly). I was just doing my calculations in the head financially and ethically and he continues may be then I might be healed. I might.
I knew I had to take charge of my life, my feelings. I had no energy left by then I was completely drained physically emotionally mentally. What else do you can you except other than that?
I was determined to know more about my condition so even after being not interested He continued.. he said – “Over the years time my past has developed this within me and with no fault of my I am suffering. For my kind of condition medicines and the therapy that I went for before were temporary solutions because of the feeling of hurt and rejection triggers and turn me into someone whom I am unaware of myself. No man/women/parents can share the kind of love, support and attention that I need to cope up with this.”
Well I didn’t know how to react was I supposed to be positive that I need a lot of love or negative to put it out I’m single and I have no love…
Jokes apart, Now that I know what triggers me and how it is for me. I could put forward that I just wanted a normal life like everyone else well after that day onwards I was going to have an extraordinary one. I wish to undo my past as it restricts me to come close to anyone anymore.
It is advised not to be too close to anyone in life anymore until they know and understand my condition and accept it as I am. But it can’t be explained to everyone I meet on the walk of life right?
Apart from that, there is a series of things that needs to be done. Needed new house new environment and I had to start loving and accept myself which I never learnt.
I was told to become self-obsessed and there is no wrong in it.
My condition people don’t survive more than the age of (12- 15yr) came as a shock to my parents how deep routed my problem is. But now that I have made it so far 24yrs I have to start taking baby steps towards keeping myself safe from me.
Which is so funny.
I was told to get admitted but hospital triggers me as well so that risk also couldn’t be taken.
Each day is a challenge and I have to push myself to do the silliest of things with great efforts. I want to educate others regarding the same after all I’m just a 24yr old who just started her life and career. Who wants to travel all around India and be a storyteller. Ironically I’m telling my story. I still don’t know what my future holds, unfolding it each day but for now, I at least know what I’m suffering from and what my condition is and how it can be taken under control.
I will have to shift to another city and start liking myself and eventually fall in love with myself first And then carry on with life as it comes.